Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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