On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
