The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
how drunk are you?
Several
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
