I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
