i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
