soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
