I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
