Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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