dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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