if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
