Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
