a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
