he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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