I have demons in me.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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