Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
