yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need a shit load of segways right now
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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