Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize