I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
