If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
