dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
