oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
