i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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