I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
