I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
