Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize