I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
