WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
