This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
