he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
