i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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