while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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