I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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