Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
