We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
