I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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