The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
