His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
