Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
