Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
