New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
