I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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