she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
