My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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