yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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