I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
