I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
