Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
