So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
COCAINE IS GR8
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
