so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I look better un-naked...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
