today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
