I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
