i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
