Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
farters have to be the big spoon...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
