I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
