Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
