I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am one with the molecules
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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