Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
