everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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